Offerings, Gifts and Invitations
Going back to move forward
I step outside and am met with a wall of thick air. It is hot and humid and smells of rain and wet asphalt. This stands out in visceral contrast to the cool, consistent breeze of the air conditioning I've been immersed in for the past 12 hours.
I've just arrived in Florida for the first time in 12 years to visit my mom and extended family. Even though I've been away from this heat for over a decade, something about it still feels familiar.
Within seconds, I return to an inner space I haven't inhabited in a while. My shoulders drop, and a calm, expansive atmosphere permeates through the haze of jet lag that's accumulated within me.
I roll my suitcase to the edge of the sidewalk, step off the curb, and get in the car with my mom. We drive off into the night. Along the highway, we pass by countless shopping plazas and street lights. The landscape is lush and manicured. As I take in the city around me, I notice a sense of being out of place.
Even as I experience a sense of familiarity, so many things about Florida's culture are far from my identity, and yet a part of me knows I am meant to be here.
As the days go by, and I take in my surroundings, I notice different parts of me responding to my context. We are always in conversation with our environment. Even if we don't say a word, we are still registering the information we receive from the outside world and responding accordingly.
These exchanges layer upon each other to shape our sense of identity and how we relate to the world. Places and people can play a pivotal role in shaping our sense of self and our lived space, our implicit way of living with others, and our horizon of possibility. Our experiences with others and our environment can expand or constrict this horizon.
My relationships with my family have largely informed my experience of Florida. From ages 1 to 3, my parents and I lived in Florida. We split our time living with my mom's family and visiting the ashram with my father's guru, Swami Hariharinanda. These were two very different cultures that existed only a few hours from each other.
In my extended family, I often felt completely different. Even though there was a strong foundation of love, I still found my way of being, orientation, and preferences to fall far outside the norms in which my family operated. At the ashram, I felt absolute freedom to explore and be myself.
These experiences resulted in heightened awareness of othering. They created a valence in my horizon of possibility. To this day I often feel on the edge of a group, questioning if I truly belong.
Returning to Florida, I found myself revisiting those places within me I experienced as a child, places I thought I'd left but continued to live on with me. I wonder if, like a knot, when I pulled away, the tangle only got tighter. Returning here could feel like going 'back.' However, I also noticed the slack, that there is more space between me and the experiences of feeling like an outsider.
Sometimes, we need to go back to see how far we've travelled.
Sometimes, we need to return to the space of tension to untangle the knots we carry within us.
I returned to Canada feeling more connected to the places that have shaped me. Days later, Patrick proposed, and I said yes!
After stepping 'back' to where I've come from, we are stepping into a new future together. Although this is a new direction, it also felt entirely aligned with our trajectory and my life path, longing, and dreams for the future.
In many ways, returning to where I've come from prepared me to step into the places awaiting me. I am left thinking of switchbacks, how making our way up the mountains of life involves zig-zagging back in order to go forward.
What I’m Reading
The Strong Poetry of Place by Tricia M. Kress and Robert Lake
On the plane ride home from Florida I read an article called The Strong Poetry of Place. The two authors draw upon their lived experience, to reflect on the role plays in shaping our sense of identity and belonging. They consider how being removed from a place makes us susceptible to the pulls of capitalism and makes us feel we need to 'have' a place rather than being connected to how we are always held in place.
To counter the experiences of displacement that can arise from forced migration, whether due to war, economic factors, or the decision to follow a 'better life,' they suggest engaging in re-placing, a process of revisiting places that have formed us. We can visit these places by going to them physically or traveling to them in our imagination. You can access the article here
What I’m Watching
In this video Vanessa and Nora discuss many things including why we get stuck, and unexpected directions to explore if we want to truly get unstuck. They speak about how we can shift our perception to experience more of the nuance of the living world, and how wisdom arises in the spaces between one thing and another.
Vanessa offers the perspective that we each have a ‘bus within us ‘that carries all of our relatives and more, instead of just being singular in our identity she encourages us to experiment with the possibility of holding many perspectives at once and the implications this can have for how we relate to others. Nora speaks about warm data, and the idea that information is alive. Both Vanessa and Nora exude warmth and wisdom, and the care between them in this conversation is palpable. You can watch the video here
Yesterday I had the privilege of joining the album launch for two friends and mentors, Fergus Anderson and Charlotte von Büllow. Charlotte, is also my PhD supervisor. Fergus and Charlotte are artists, academics and some of the most incredible humans I know.
Four years ago, Fergus was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. This event shifted their lives as a couple radically. In response, they embarked on a healing journey, which included art and music-making, ritual and research into therapeutic ways of engaging with this diagnosis. I highly recommend their music and watching the recording of the album launch
For the past several months I’ve been co hosting a podcast alongside Carri Munn and Nzwaki Adonisi. We bring you stories from practitioners around the world using collaborative approaches to take action on global challenges. Listen as we explore ways of cultivating networks and engaging with a systemic lens to deliberately imagine new futures.
This podcast is for collaborators, visionaries, and change makers. For people who believe we’re in this together, and practitioners who understand that shaping change is relational work. You can learn more and listen here
Wahoo! Congratulations dear Elsa and Patrick! 🎊 Very exciting news! I love your style of writing Thanks very much for your sharing. I'm going to read poetry of place on the plane tomorrow 💖